To my partner of 14 and half years:

There is a reason it bothers me so much.
There’s a reason why I have a problem with that language/terminology.
That game.
That person.
Those people.
There’s a reason why I can’t understand why you would want to play that game, given all that you have said, believe, apparently stand for.
There’s a reason for why I personally feel attacked and vilified because of “that” , and all of those things.

I am trans.

I am a trans man.

As much as I would like to run away from that, and everyone else, I can’t.

This is not something that I have suddenly come up. This is not something that has suddenly hit me. But also this is not something that I have been consciously trying to hide from you for years, because I was not actively aware it was there for years.

I know that that all sounds very contradictory.

Looking back, I can see it. All of it. But I couldn’t before. I have hidden so much of myself from everyone, including myself, for so long. Which is massively borne out of the environment I was raised in and the people raising me.

Trying to learn who I am whilst also trying not to hurt anyone is extremely difficult. It has been extremely painful. Especially as the more I have understood myself, the harder and more painful it has to hide and pretend who I actually am, to everyone else.

I want to medically transition. But under the current NHS system that’s not easy. Privately-paid for medical transition is slightly more possible (in terms of speed) but it means that all my other day-to-day living expenses have to become very tightly managed, or at least, don’t increase from what they are currently. However at the point I completely come out, I know everything in my life will change.

And this is thing that is ultimately stopping me from saying anything.
It will fuck everything, as we know it, up. I will fuck up any plans you may have for us. I will fuck up your world view. I will fuck up our relationship. I will fuck up our lives together.

I will fuck up.
Again.