Category: the random

confessional

February 11th, 2023

To my partner of 14 and half years:

There is a reason it bothers me so much.
There’s a reason why I have a problem with that language/terminology.
That game.
That person.
Those people.
There’s a reason why I can’t understand why you would want to play that game, given all that you have said, believe, apparently stand for.
There’s a reason for why I personally feel attacked and vilified because of “that” , and all of those things.

I am trans.

I am a trans man.

As much as I would like to run away from that, and everyone else, I can’t.

This is not something that I have suddenly come up. This is not something that has suddenly hit me. But also this is not something that I have been consciously trying to hide from you for years, because I was not actively aware it was there for years.

I know that that all sounds very contradictory.

Looking back, I can see it. All of it. But I couldn’t before. I have hidden so much of myself from everyone, including myself, for so long. Which is massively borne out of the environment I was raised in and the people raising me.

Trying to learn who I am whilst also trying not to hurt anyone is extremely difficult. It has been extremely painful. Especially as the more I have understood myself, the harder and more painful it has to hide and pretend who I actually am, to everyone else.

I want to medically transition. But under the current NHS system that’s not easy. Privately-paid for medical transition is slightly more possible (in terms of speed) but it means that all my other day-to-day living expenses have to become very tightly managed, or at least, don’t increase from what they are currently. However at the point I completely come out, I know everything in my life will change.

And this is thing that is ultimately stopping me from saying anything.
It will fuck everything, as we know it, up. I will fuck up any plans you may have for us. I will fuck up your world view. I will fuck up our relationship. I will fuck up our lives together.

I will fuck up.
Again.
sneeze

January 30th, 2023

I do like a good sneeze. Which is not a typical way to start a conversation, I agree. But one I very may well use the next time I have to engage in conversation with a stranger, or when asked for an “interesting fact” about myself as an ice breaker.

“And what do you do?”

“Well, I do like a good sneeze.”

And it does have to be a good one. Not one that forewarns that it’s approaching before disappearing back down to the depths, only to catch you completely off guard a while later. This’ll be at the point when you’ve conveniently completely forgotten about the first ahh-ahh hints, which results in you throwing a cup of tea over yourself, another, or the carpet; whichever way you look at it, is just a fucking diasater.

A sneeze that satisfies. Suddenly materialising, bursting into explosive life and then gone. Like an ignited firework (for some), a bubble popping (for others) or (some say) an orgasm. A dramatic release of tension, yes, but they aren’t the same. The mainstream porn and adult entertainment industry would be wildly different otherwise.

Some people experience sexually induced sneezing, which the treatment for appears to be snorting nasal decongestants. And considering it’s possibly to sustain groin injuries from sneezing, that may be wise.

There are people who sneeze because of the sun (photic sneezers, bright light or sunshine itself will trigger a sneeze). Loud sneezers have greater lung capacity, but as you can’t sneeze when asleep, you should be safe from a rude awaking if they are in the land of nod.

But never sneeze into open space.

Never sneeze on, or at, someone.

Good ettiquet is to a sneeze into a tissue, handkerchief, or similar disposable or recyclable thingamabob, or if no other option, the crook of the elbow.

I haven’t sneezed in 0 days.
twitter

November 7th, 2022

Twitter has been taken over by a megalomaniac and they are doing their very best to ruin the continous dumpster fire that Twitter is. That seems like situation that shouldn’t be possible, but these are the days we live in.

January will, maybe, mark 16 years since I joined the “micro blogging” site. Blogging itself was coming to an end as no one wanted to maintain a self written, customisable website when you could just empty your brain for the actual world to read, without too much trouble or effort.

How humans now share thoughts and ideas, ideologies and theories, creations and innovations, death and destruction, pain and humiliation, lies and untruths is changing. The world order of text based sources is being abandoned for the picture, particularly for the movig picture. None of which that particularly novel but the way it can accessed to terms of delivery and consumption has been mostly democratised. Until it isn’t, and the capitalists smell the money and the power-hungry crave the control, then any freedom (of speech) and independence is stripped away.

Are we actually doomed to repeat all of the 20th century??!
introduction

September 15th, 2022

Hello. My name’s Caelan. And I’m a trans man.
change

September 12th, 2022

All things change. That is life. This past week, the UK has gained a new Prime Minister and a new King. Which is all a bit weird and sudden after waiting an age for either of these. Neither of the two historical events did the majority of the country have a say (vote) in.

I have changed too. This time last year my mental and emotional capacity was being overwhelmed by the internal swirling storm. I didn’t know why then. I didn’t understand myself then. I hadn’t for all of these years. How could I have been so blind to myself and who I am? People pleasing, playing the expected role, not listening to what my body is telling me and what I’m feeling, gaslighting myself, fear. All have played a part. And are still playing their own particular games and roles.

The next steps are to actually make the changes instead of just thinking about and imagining the changes. This is far easier to say than do. Writing not very interesting blogs that no one reads is easy. Telling someone I don’t know is hard. Telling someone I do know is far harder. Talking to the people I’m close to is terrifying.
found

May 28th, 2022
What I’ve found over the last decade
- Grey hairs
- Wrinkles
- My inability to tolerate most humans
- An understanding of who I am, who that person in my head is as opposed to the one everyone sees
- What my values are and what I stand for
- Unexpected knowledge of criminal law (England and Wales)
- A broadened musical appreciation
- My partners glasses, keys and mobile phone, many times (they “misplace” things)
lost

May 28th, 2022
What I’ve lost over the last decade and a bit
- Too much time and money to alcohol
- Friends
- Two cats, very separately
- One job, twice
- Momentos, trinkets and assorted paraphernalia
- Patience for humanity
- Plants, approx 5
- Fitness levels
- Far too many memories
- Family members
- For a brief while, my sanity