Category: the hurt

single

June 25th, 2023

15 years ago, on the August bank holiday, I met a guy at Bristol Temple Meads for the first time. It wasn’t just any guy. It was the guy who I’d arranged to meet for a not-a-date, date. Despite myself I fell for this guy. He was, still is, intelligent, witty, geeky, very caring, a bit derpy and extremely loyal. One month later when my mother died, he was immediately on a train to comfort me not half an hour after.

There were ups and downs, which is all par the course when it comes to any romantic relationship. There have been a few blow ups, loads of moments of hysterical laughter, many shared irritations due to other people, financial stresses, pregnancy issues, cat bereavements, and so much more shared history between us. The last few months, since I told him that I’m trans, things have been noticeably strained. His mental health issues have resurfaced and whilst I know work issues have not helped I’m the real cause of his anxiety and distress. We have previously said that we don’t know what the future holds but that we’d be friends. Honestly though we’ve been burying our heads in the sand about everything.

Today, in another out of the blue moment when one of us has built up sufficient mental courage to say something, there was The Talk.

We’ve decided that being a couple is no longer a suitable situation. I don’t want to be restricting what someone wants to do with their life, and I don’t want to be the cause for someone else’s pain. He feels the same. He is incredibly supportive of my transition, but he’s straight, and I’m asexual.

We are going to remain friends, best friends. How and who we tell about this I don’t know yet. But this is the first time in a long time that I can call myself single.

I’m not sure if I like it.
confessional

February 11th, 2023

To my partner of 14 and half years:

There is a reason it bothers me so much.
There’s a reason why I have a problem with that language/terminology.
That game.
That person.
Those people.
There’s a reason why I can’t understand why you would want to play that game, given all that you have said, believe, apparently stand for.
There’s a reason for why I personally feel attacked and vilified because of “that” , and all of those things.

I am trans.

I am a trans man.

As much as I would like to run away from that, and everyone else, I can’t.

This is not something that I have suddenly come up. This is not something that has suddenly hit me. But also this is not something that I have been consciously trying to hide from you for years, because I was not actively aware it was there for years.

I know that that all sounds very contradictory.

Looking back, I can see it. All of it. But I couldn’t before. I have hidden so much of myself from everyone, including myself, for so long. Which is massively borne out of the environment I was raised in and the people raising me.

Trying to learn who I am whilst also trying not to hurt anyone is extremely difficult. It has been extremely painful. Especially as the more I have understood myself, the harder and more painful it has to hide and pretend who I actually am, to everyone else.

I want to medically transition. But under the current NHS system that’s not easy. Privately-paid for medical transition is slightly more possible (in terms of speed) but it means that all my other day-to-day living expenses have to become very tightly managed, or at least, don’t increase from what they are currently. However at the point I completely come out, I know everything in my life will change.

And this is thing that is ultimately stopping me from saying anything.
It will fuck everything, as we know it, up. I will fuck up any plans you may have for us. I will fuck up your world view. I will fuck up our relationship. I will fuck up our lives together.

I will fuck up.
Again.
pain

October 9th, 2022

Over the last 24 hours I have been dealing with IBS like symptoms. But I’m pretty sure IBS isn’t something that starts out of the blue, especially when you are in your 40s. I’m hoping it is that, or that my body has just decided to stop digesting food in a normal way now, and not something far more worrying and catastrophic.

Intense upper abdominal pain, with a huge amount of swelling in the same area isn’t a fun experience. And I’m sure the dizziness that comes along is because I’m not breathing normally due to the pain, and compression on my lungs. Not for any other reasons I’m refusing to google for. It’s just wind. Surely?! Trapped wind in someone who can’t force burps.

Liquids only tomorrow.

This is one, unexpected, way to lose weight.
mum

September 30th, 2008

My mum is dead.

She died a few minutes after 10 this morning. She shouldn’t have. It’s her birthday today. She is 60. She shouldn’t have even been in hospital. If she hadn’t fallen after midnight on Saturday, she’d still be here. She should still be saying “please, please, please”, or “yes, no!”, or “No, yes!”; “I am!”; “thank you, thank you very much” and laughing loudly and driving us slightly potty. Now I’ll never get any of that again. I’ll never get to talk to her again. I’ll never get to share anything with her again. I’ll never hug her again.

I miss her.
nothing

August 22nd, 2008

There nothing I can say, do, emote, no, absolutely nothing, to make things better.

I have no magic pill, cream nor plaster to make the pain go away and the healing happen any faster. If I did have anything like that, I might have used it all up on myself over the years away. I feel quite sad at being so helpless, so I’ll do the only thing I’m really good at.
poop

August 19th, 2008

There was a fan, sat quietly in the corner, whirring away.

Opposite was a steaming pile of fresh poop minding it’s own business, as poop is want to do. Without too much warning, the poop flew into the air and headed straight for the fan. You should know the rest.

The horrible thing is I knew it was going to happen. I could see it coming about beforehand. I knew where the fan was, and more or less how the poop was going to travelling at such speed, if not when. Not a lot you can do in those situations. No one wants to be told I told you so, nor does anyone want to listen to advice, not mine at any road. I’m mostly told to stay out of it, so I keep my head down, back off, stay away, avoid everything before I open up a can of worms. Sometimes that’s appropriate, sometimes it’s stupid beyond reason.

As a result of some of this, before the end of the week I shall be attending a favoured local public house. Within the bowels of the building, several members of the gathered great unwashed of the surrounding area will be completing in a game involving cards, chips and ultimately cash. I will be playing a very quiet and different game, a cardless version of Go Fish.
mutter

August 6th, 2008

Perhaps I should try to avoid all of humanity. Perhaps I should go the whole hog and become a hermit. Real running away and hiding! I should give in and commit to the ultimate anti-social lifestyle. Anything else seems pointless when I can do so much damage byletting my brain be exposed.

Tis probably better to be thought of as mad and avoided by all.

Will now walk away muttering to self.

*mutter…mutter………mutter…….mmmmmmutter*
hiding

August 6th, 2008

I need to do more of it, it would seem.

Although I’ve done remarkably well at it so far, just not good enough for my liking. It’s far easier to hide away from things when you don’t admit them to yourself. It’s about believing the lie. Once you’ve got that sussed, pretending you don’t see or hear certain things is easy.

I’ve had to hide away something which has been a big chunk of my life for a long time. That’s fine when there’s nothing being teased directly in front you. There only so much graphic talk of masturbation I can tolerate, which was all meant in a girly, chatty way but c’mon dude! I know that the drunken snogs were all meaningless, but being ground up against and being kissed in darkened places doesn’t exactly put out the fire. It sets off alarms mostly. This ain’t usual.

If they don’t know the effect they have on me, then big ouchy to me, but fair enough; it’s just my little problem. If they do/did comprehend what that sort of behaviour does to someone then I really don’t want to know. I’ve gone on the basis of the former for the majority of the time. Maybe that’s me convincing myself of a lie that isn’t there.

Then there was Saturday. I didn’t actually see everything. My viewpoint was different, but I came to the same conclusion about everything all the same.

There are many more things I should have said that night as opposed to the one thing I did say. I should have said “No, you best sleep on the floor.” But that would’ve been for purely selfish reasons that had nothing to do with getting a good nights sleep. I should have said something about the porn. I should have loudly objected to it, or said that I really didn’t want that on. I didn’t and instead closed my eyes to it all, quite literally.

Then later, I saw an arm draped over a waist and decided that there was no way I was going to get back into that bed, no matter how much some people objected to my new rather comfy resting place.

And now I know it’s all gone bad. At least one other knows this too. And the other one is either sticking their head in the sand and hoping it’s all going to go away at some point or is totally clueless.

I wouldn’t know which one to pick right now.

Shot myself in one foot, will quite probably do the other one in and then I will blow my brains out.