I had to get out. I had to disappear. Being inside the house was beginning to suffocate me.
The dog and its friends were walking around and around me, waiting for the best time to try to attack again.
I had good reasons to get out too. I had things to do, places to go, people to talk to. It wasn’t a cop out on my part, although I probably could have explained myself better to a few.
“It’s no good. You can’t escape us. We’re here for the duration now. You wanted us back.”
Headphones glued into ears, with the new obsession playing continuously, off I scurried with bags of important items for the One In Hospital. Except I no intention of heading straight for that place, the fact being that it was far too early for me to visit. Not a problem, I had another errand to run before I got there anyway. But I wasn’t in any hurry to get that done either.
Dog and Demons dutifully follow me out the house and into the unfamiliar daylight.
It was simply enough to be in the outside world, passing people I would never know and inhaling the usual city odour. What I hadn’t counted on was the almighty stench the city was producing at the time. I say city, it probably wasn’t the city itself but something nearby that stank and drifted a stupid distance, making me feel queasy and encouraged one youth to cover his nose with his sleeve.
Demons don’t notice the smell; the hound fell into step with its prey.
Then the need for more coffee controlled my thoughts. The nearest Café Nero quickly submitted to my demands for Iced Frappé. And it was free! The world was looking a little cheerier just for that. It improved some more as I got to indulge in one of my favourite means of throwing away time by people watching. Perched on a pointless waste of Council money, I watched the busy people with actual purpose stomp across the crossroads that once upon a time were swamped with traffic of the mostly four-wheeled kind. I generally noticed the shoes: the silly shoes women squeeze their feet into for the sake of fashion; the tappity shoes of the men of business; the tribal alliances shown in foot wear by the young; and the can’t-be-arsed-with-fashion-statements type. And then there were the ubiquitous charity muggers trying to prise the bank details out of anyone who passed.
Without the usual implements of possible harm nearby, the Demons kept quiet about their intent. The mongrel was still circling, not letting me out of its sight.
When iciness of the stone underneath me became too much, I wandered off to the Cathedral. Being an atheist and tourist-hater this might like seem like an odd choice of destination. But I reckoned it was about the only place I could get away with sitting inside without being bothered or feeling the overwhelming urge to buy something needlessly. Unfortunately, someone had taken away all the chairs in the nave, so I had to wander round like any the other tourist instead. Wasn’t that much of a problem, it meant I was forced to look, to observe, and I felt the need to take photos as I went, luckily without getting vertigo on this attempt. The moment came to abrupt end when the battery made a point of telling me its time was up. It also put me into a communication black zone.
The companions are beginning to feel a little put out as I don’t seem to be noticing or listening to them quite as much. So they change tack and make more noise and point out the usual insecurities that they know all too well I have.
I wandered pointlessly around the cloisters for a while before deciding to sit outside in the courtyard. It wasn’t as peaceful as one would like due to the tourists noisily eating their packed lunches on the other side. But the music plugged into my ears managed to successfully cancel them out. It was here that I had a funny five minutes.
“Ha! That’s something, it’s small but we saw it. Now, just let go of that self-control….”
It was about this time I got the last of the texts from The Concerned. One was a joke: What’s the difference between a pun and a fart? A pun is a shift of whit… Took me several reads before I chuckled a little. But I did laugh. On the back of that, something sensible kicked into its rightful place in my head: I had a prescription to collect; I had a Father to visit; I had to get something to eat before the blood sugar dropped through the floor.
The mutt is kicked but not beaten. Demons are shaken as they’ve seen this happen before.
A sandwich is all I can face, and the desire to be able to sit outside and eat it. The first establishment is passed by for its busy interior – far too many people inside for my current mental state. I recall the many sandwich shops along this particular street I find myself on and decide that one of them should finally get some of my custom. A good choice it turns out to be, despite the lack of hummus. A turkey, bacon, lettuce and mayo filling within thickly cut granary slices is ordered, and snaffled away before the task of finding suitable seating is tackled. Without planning it, I’m parking myself under a tree that has a metal bench circling its trunk. Someone had previously mentioned to me that sitting under a tree might help to lighten my mood, I don’t think they had this tree in the middle of a town centre in mind when they uttered it to me. I whip out the tasty looking sandwich and munch away. And something strange happens…
The biggest and meanest boots are on, the sword is newly-sharpened; no prisoners will be taken, no souls spared. Now is not the time to show mercy. Of course, they try to escape, they try to flee, even beg for their lives, but I know, understand and remember the pain and distress they cause. I won’t be that person again. I won’t cower to their whispered demands once more. I won’t let them back in. There is a mighty and unseen by all, blood-bath under that tree. The screams of pain from the slewn and the yells of determination from the fighter are never heard. All the while, the music plays on, unperturbed by the action under the tree and across the grey flagstones.
Sandwich happily finished, I get up and walk off from the unnoticed hell created by my imagination with an actual purpose about my being. No time to waste now…
head ventilation 