I do like a good sneeze. Which is not a typical way to start a conversation, I agree. But one I very may well use the next time I have to engage in conversation with a stranger, or when asked for an “interesting fact” about myself as an ice breaker.

“And what do you do?”

“Well, I do like a good sneeze.”

And it does have to be a good one. Not one that forewarns that it’s approaching before disappearing back down to the depths, only to catch you completely off guard a while later. This’ll be at the point when you’ve conveniently completely forgotten about the first ahh-ahh hints, which results in you throwing a cup of tea over yourself, another, or the carpet; whichever way you look at it, is just a fucking diasater.

A sneeze that satisfies. Suddenly materialising, bursting into explosive life and then gone. Like an ignited firework (for some), a bubble popping (for others) or (some say) an orgasm. A dramatic release of tension, yes, but they aren’t the same. The mainstream porn and adult entertainment industry would be wildly different otherwise.

Some people experience sexually induced sneezing, which the treatment for appears to be snorting nasal decongestants. And considering it’s possibly to sustain groin injuries from sneezing, that may be wise.

There are people who sneeze because of the sun (photic sneezers, bright light or sunshine itself will trigger a sneeze). Loud sneezers have greater lung capacity, but as you can’t sneeze when asleep, you should be safe from a rude awaking if they are in the land of nod.

But never sneeze into open space.

Never sneeze on, or at, someone.

Good ettiquet is to a sneeze into a tissue, handkerchief, or similar disposable or recyclable thingamabob, or if no other option, the crook of the elbow.

I haven’t sneezed in 0 days.