I need to do more of it, it would seem.

Although I’ve done remarkably well at it so far, just not good enough for my liking. It’s far easier to hide away from things when you don’t admit them to yourself. It’s about believing the lie. Once you’ve got that sussed, pretending you don’t see or hear certain things is easy.

I’ve had to hide away something which has been a big chunk of my life for a long time. That’s fine when there’s nothing being teased directly in front you. There only so much graphic talk of masturbation I can tolerate, which was all meant in a girly, chatty way but c’mon dude! I know that the drunken snogs were all meaningless, but being ground up against and being kissed in darkened places doesn’t exactly put out the fire. It sets off alarms mostly. This ain’t usual.

If they don’t know the effect they have on me, then big ouchy to me, but fair enough; it’s just my little problem. If they do/did comprehend what that sort of behaviour does to someone then I really don’t want to know. I’ve gone on the basis of the former for the majority of the time. Maybe that’s me convincing myself of a lie that isn’t there.

Then there was Saturday. I didn’t actually see everything. My viewpoint was different, but I came to the same conclusion about everything all the same.

There are many more things I should have said that night as opposed to the one thing I did say. I should have said “No, you best sleep on the floor.” But that would’ve been for purely selfish reasons that had nothing to do with getting a good nights sleep. I should have said something about the porn. I should have loudly objected to it, or said that I really didn’t want that on. I didn’t and instead closed my eyes to it all, quite literally.

Then later, I saw an arm draped over a waist and decided that there was no way I was going to get back into that bed, no matter how much some people objected to my new rather comfy resting place.

And now I know it’s all gone bad. At least one other knows this too. And the other one is either sticking their head in the sand and hoping it’s all going to go away at some point or is totally clueless.

I wouldn’t know which one to pick right now.

Shot myself in one foot, will quite probably do the other one in and then I will blow my brains out.